


The Unimaginable

by susieboo



Category: Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beginnings, Bonding, Chance Meetings, Depression, Friendship, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hope, Hopeful Ending, Inspired by Music, Loneliness, Manga Spoilers, One Shot, POV Third Person, Post-Finale, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Sad, Second Chances, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:36:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7504963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/susieboo/pseuds/susieboo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been over a year since Kira's identity was revealed to the world, and neither Misa nor Sayu has been the same since. Sayu's coping. Misa's not. But when their paths cross the day Misa decides she's ready to join Light, maybe she'll find that it's not too late for her after all - and that maybe, just maybe, there's at least one person left who could ever understand.</p><p>[Takes place after the ending of the manga and anime. Canon up until the day the story takes place. Mentions of past Misa/Light. Sayu/Misa if you squint. Slightly inspired by "It's Quiet Uptown" from Hamilton. Oneshot.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Unimaginable

**Author's Note:**

> This is going off the official manga guidebook, which lists Misa's death date as February 14, 2011 - about a year after Light - not the anime.

Light Yagami had been revealed to the world as Kira about a week after his death, and that was when the world went insane.

Sayu and her mother had been warned of this, of course, when Matsuda and the other remaining members of the Task Force revealed the truth to them. But Sayu still hadn't quite been able to prepare herself for the uproar that followed the death of Kira. Half the world rejoiced at the fall of the tyrant, while the other half mourned the loss of their savior. The debate still raged on, even now, over whether Kira's actions had been wrong or right. There were still fanatical Kira supporters out there, but there were just as many who would never pass up a chance to spit venom at the mere mention of his name.

For the first few months, Sayu had merely let the whole thing wash over her, stumbling through life in a numb haze. She tried to ignore the war that raged on outside her window, trying to focus on getting her life back. Physical therapy after she was finally out of the wheelchair, regular therapy to cope with everything she'd been through, catching up on school, and most of all, doing her damnedest to ignore what people were saying. She'd switched to doing classes online, unable to stomach the idea of sitting in a classroom full of people who knew what her brother had done.

It wasn't easy to exist in a post-Kira world where everyone knew who he was, and who he'd left behind. People thought they knew Light, and by extension, thought they knew her. On the rare occasions she went out anymore, she simply kept walking whenever people looked at her, ignoring them if they asked her anything about her brother. She really, really wanted to hate Light for what he'd done, for leaving her to cope with the consequences of his actions, but she was never quite able to bring herself to do it.

What made this so difficult, more than anything, was the fact that Sayu missed Light.

Sayu often caught herself thinking fondly of him, thinking of all the times he'd helped her with homework, or of all the pleasant, pointless conversations they'd shared growing up. Sayu had always thought herself very lucky to have Light for an older brother. She'd looked up to him, wanted to be just like him when she was younger. Light had been her hero. Now that she knew the truth about him, about all he'd done, she'd tried her best to stop thinking of him that way, to stop wishing for the old days when they were close. Those days were gone, and she doubted she'd ever be able to view those memories without them being tainted by sadness and anger ever again. She sometimes wondered if Light had ever thought of her as fondly as she thought of him, if he'd ever cared an ounce for her, or their parents. Had becoming Kira changed him, or had he simply been that way all along? She couldn't quite get used to the idea that she'd never know.

She hardly ever went out anymore, and she hadn't spoken to someone that wasn't her therapist or her mother for almost a full two months on the cold February morning. It was Valentine's Day. While other people were out having fun with their dates, Sayu remained in her room. No longer was she the happy, sociable young lady who would have no trouble finding a date. Pretty as she was, no one particularly wanted to go out with the quiet, withdrawn, morbid girl who was the sister of the world's most infamous mass murderer. That was fine by her. The idea of socializing was almost enough to make her sick. Over a year later, and she still hadn't been able to find her old self again. Maybe she wasn't supposed to be that person anymore; maybe she would have to become somebody new in order to move on.

As she made her way down the stairs, Sayu knew she looked terrible. Dark hair greasy and pulled back into a ponytail so it wouldn't tangle, eyes sunken in and tired, skin sallow and pale. She hadn't paid much mind to her appearance since... everything.

"I'm going for a walk," she said to her mother. She wanted to hug her, but couldn't quite bring herself to do it.

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, Mom, I'm fine."

Sachiko nodded, and just said, "Okay. Be home for dinner, alright?"

"I will," Sayu promised, before pulling on her coat and heading out the front door, braving the cold. She shivered as a gust of wind passed through her small frame, crossing her arms across her chest and heading down the sidewalk.

She wasn't "fine," but she was getting better. The fact that she was leaving the house at all was proof of that. Her therapist had told her she should be very proud of her progress. When she'd first learned the truth about her brother, Sayu had been practically catatonic for weeks. She hadn't spoken to anyone, not even her mother. She felt bad about that, even though Sachiko said she didn't blame her. Sayu knew she couldn't help it, but she couldn't help but feel guilty for being unable to even speak to her mother when she'd needed someone to talk to the most. Sachiko and Sayu only had each other now. Light's name hadn't been spoken in the Yagami household since they'd been informed of his death. He was always "your brother" or "my son" in Sachiko's words, on the rare occasions she spoke of him.

Sayu didn't speak of him at all. At least, not to other people. She simply ducked the press and people's questions, and tried to continue on as if he'd never existed. 

Sayu tried to be proud of what she'd achieved so far. She tried to hold her head high and rise above everything that had happened. But it was hard to hold her head high when her thoughts were so heavily weighted.

Despite her efforts to disassociate herself from him as much as possible, Sayu often found herself longing to speak to her brother. Her therapist was a very good doctor, and her mom was always there if Sayu wanted to talk, but Sayu couldn't quite bring herself to properly confide in them. The only person she wanted to confide in was, ironically, Light himself. 

So that's what she did.

She'd tried visiting his grave a couple times, but after seeing it vandalized once and adorned with "tributes" from Kira followers twice, she hadn't been able to go back. She didn't want to talk to Kira. She wanted to talk to Light. The only place she could go to do that without anyone knowing was the warehouse where he'd drawn his last breath. It was completely abandoned, and cops rarely came by there anymore to chase out trespassers. They had, the first few weeks after the news broke, but nowadays, they rarely bothered. Sayu hadn't told anyone that she was visiting the warehouse semi-regularly. She knew her therapist would tell her to stop, and she knew it'd upset her mother. This secret was hers and hers alone, at least for now.

Shivering, she slipped into the warehouse, rubbing her hands together.

"Hello?" she called out, hearing her voice echo off the walls. She did this every time she visited -- it was nearly a formality. 

This time, however, was the first time someone actually called _back_.

"Who's there?!"

Sayu jumped at the sound of another voice, but hesitantly crept towards it.

"It's just--I'm only here to look around," she called. "Where are you?"

"Go away! I want to be alone!"

She knew that voice...

Moving slowly towards the shadowy corner where she thought the voice was coming from, she said, "I don't want any trouble. I just..." Sayu squinted, making out a face in the darkness. "... _Misa_? Is that you?"

Misa looked about as surprised to see Sayu as Sayu was to see her. "S-Sayu?"

"Hey," Sayu said, voice softer now. "Come on out, I'm just here to... to..."

Sayu wondered if there was any way she could say "to see Light" without sounding totally insane.

Misa seemed to understand her, nodding her head slowly. "...I'm surprised to see you here..." she said, not coming out of the shadows. Instead, she sunk to sit on the concrete floor, her back against the wall.

Sayu moved closer. "I could say the same to you," she pointed out. "...Do you mind if I sit with you?"

"No... no, I don't mind."

Sayu sat down next to Misa, digging her hands into her pockets. "How have you been?" she asked quietly. She hadn't seen Misa in ages, not since before everything had fallen apart.

Misa sniffled loudly. "Terrible."

"...Yeah. Me too," she said quietly. "I didn't think anyone came here anymore besides me."

"I don't, usually," Misa admitted. "Today's just... a special day."

"Oh, God. Right. Valentine's Day."

"Yeah. He and I were... we were going to get married..." Her voice cracked a bit.

Sayu bit back tears, before patting Misa's knee. It was the only source of comfort she could provide. "I'm sorry," she said. "I... I know you loved him."

"I _still_ love him." Misa wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. "The entire world has been trying to convince me to hate him, but I never will. I'm always going to love Light. I never imagined living without him."

"...Did you know?" The question was out before Sayu could stop herself. "I know--I know you told the police you didn't, but... I won't tell. Did you have any idea that he...?"

"No," Misa said, with a bite to her voice that made Sayu regret asking. "But if I had, it wouldn't have mattered. I'm a Kira supporter, remember?"

Sayu's stomach lurched. "I remember," she said, voice coming out colder than she'd intended.

"Kira was the only person who was trying to save the world--"

"That's not true. My father was trying to save the world _from_ Kira. He gave his life to do it," Sayu said.

"He should've been supporting Kira if he really wanted to help people!"

"My brother wasn't helping people."

"He helped me!" Misa cried. "He helped thousands of people!"

"At _first_. By the end of it, he..." Sayu sighed, running a hand through her hair. "I don't know what his game was by the end of it. I think he had good intentions at first, but... but he lost sight of them a long time ago."

"He was trying to make the world better--"

"By keeping it under his thumb." Misa looked like she was about to say something else, but Sayu cut her off before she could. "Look, let's just agree to disagree, okay? I've had this argument with myself enough times for a lifetime."

Misa didn't respond, turning her gaze away to stare at her feet.

Sayu couldn't find any words, either, so she just looked anywhere except Misa's face, picking at her fingernail. She glanced over at Misa again, and realized she was wearing an all white dress, almost like a wedding gown. She'd done her hair and makeup perfectly, as if she really were about to go on a Valentine's day date with Light.

As if she expected to see him.

"...Misa... why are you here?"

Misa shrugged, speechless for the first time since Sayu had ever met her.

"I--I know you miss Light. But you can't just--"

"Can't just what?" Misa snapped. "Can't just dwell on it forever? That's what _you're_ doing."

Sayu didn't have a real response to that, since it was basically true, so she said, "I'm trying to move on. I wish you could, too."

"I don't want to move on," Misa said, looking away. "I want this all to end. I've had enough, okay? I want to be with Light."

Sayu's heart stopped for a moment. "...Please don't say things like that," she said quietly.

"Why not? It's true."

"Misa, you can't give up. I know how hard it is, but--"

"No, you don't know how hard it is!" Misa said, voice shrill, glaring at her even through her tears. "You don't understand what it's like, okay? To hear everyone saying someone you love was an evil, horrible person, that he deserves to be dead! To know that everyone knows what he did, to feel everyone staring at you everywhere you go! To have to hear about all he's done constantly, as if you don't already think of it every day! You don't understand--you _can't_ understand what that's like!"

"Yes, I do," Sayu said icily. "I'm his sister, remember? You're not the only person that loves him. Or have you forgotten that?"

Misa flinched, actually looking ashamed of herself. "I'm--"

"Spare me," Sayu said. She really, really hoped her vision going blurry and her eyes growing wet was just in her imagination. "I thought I hated him, at first. When Matsuda told me everything he did. I _wanted_ to hate him." She balled her hands into fists, squeezing tightly as she tried to hold back the tears. "I _still_ want to hate him."

"But you don't."

"No."

"...Me neither."

"I know." Sayu wiped her eyes on her sleeve. Misa pretended not to notice. "...That's why you came here today, isn't it? You... you wanted to join Light today, am I right?"

Misa looked down. "It's just time to go, I think. Today felt like the day."

"Misa, there's--"

"So much for me to live for?"

"...Yeah."

"No, there's not," she said, shaking her head. "All I ever wanted was to be Light's wife. That's why I was born."

"Misa, that's not true. It doesn't have to end this way," Sayu said, pleading. 

"Yes, it does. It will." Misa looked about ready to cry again. "Aren't you ever going to leave?"

"No."

"Why? Because you feel sorry for me? Don't. I'm actually relieved. It's finally over."

"It doesn't have to be. It shouldn't be."

"You, of all people, should understand why I have to do this," Misa said. 

"I understand why you want to. But you don't have to," Sayu said.

"I want to. I just want to put an end to this."

"...You sound just like me, you know," she said quietly. "Back before we found out about Light, but after I was... I was kidnapped... I thought... I thought recovery wasn't possible. I thought the kindest thing I could do for myself was to just put myself out of my own misery."

"But you're still here."

"But I'm still here." She tried to smile. "I didn't think I'd make it as far as I have, but I did. I just couldn't do it alone. But, you know, after I started therapy and started to get help from people who were qualified to give it, things started to be better. Not okay, but better. You know, before the truth about Light came out and everything pretty much went to hell again."

Misa snorted. It was the closest she'd come to laughing in awhile. Then, softer, "You don't feel that way anymore?"

"...No. I do. Sometimes. It's not exactly something you can turn on and off. I _wish_."

"...How do you do it?" Misa asked quietly.

Sayu was silent for a moment, before she said, "I just... I guess the real key is to take it one day at a time. The day I found about Light was probably the worst day of my whole life. I don't see how it could get worse than that. I _hope_ it can't." She sighed. "I just... the next day, I woke up, still wanting to die, but I thought to myself, I survived yesterday. I can probably survive today. And if I survive today, I can probably survive tomorrow."

"And that worked?"

"It helps. It's just what I tell myself whenever things feel especially bad... if I survive today, I can probably survive tomorrow, too. Maybe it's not the happiest way to get through life, but it gets me through it. That, and antidepressants." It was intended to be a joke, but Misa didn't laugh. Neither did Sayu.

"I guess your mom made you see a doctor, huh?" Misa asked.

"She didn't make me. I mean, it was her idea, but... no, I agreed to go."

"...I wish I was that strong."

"I'm not. Not really," she said. "I have a breakdown ten times a day, if I'm being honest. I've just gotten better at coping. ...You can, too."

Misa shook her head. "I don't have that kind of perseverance. I don't think I was supposed to outlive Light. I mean... how can you bounce back from this? How can you ever be okay?"

"I don't know," Sayu admitted. "But I have to try. I just know I have to try." She hesitated. "Misa, come home with me. At least stay for dinner."

Misa sighed. "You're still dead-set on helping me, huh?"

"Of course I am. I've always considered you a friend, and... I could use someone else to talk to, too."

Misa didn't say anything.

"...Misa," Sayu said quietly. "I can't... I can't erase what Light did. I can't bring him back, or make it so we never knew, or... or let you throw your life away to join him. But... but I can understand what you're going through. Could... could understanding be enough?"

Misa licked her lips, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I don't know. I _want_ it to be enough."

Slowly, Sayu rose to her feet, reaching out a hand for Misa. "It's a place to start, at least. Isn't it?"

Misa stared up at her, contemplating her actions. "...Okay. Okay. It can be a place to start."

She took Sayu's hand, and let Sayu bring her to her feet. As she got up and left her dark corner, Sayu noticed for the first time that she'd brought a gun with her, which now sat on the concrete floor, untouched.

"...Let's leave that thing here, okay?" Misa asked, seeing where Sayu was looking. "If I bring it with me, I might..."

Sayu nodded. "Okay. We can leave it here."

Slowly, they began to head for the exit, Misa trailing behind Sayu.

"...I really wish I could tell you I'll be okay," Misa said, sounding almost apologetic. "I wish I could promise that... that it'll all be fine from now on. But... I don't know if I'll be able to..."

"I know. I wish I could promise _I'll_ be okay," Sayu admitted. "But we'll get through the day, at least. I can promise you that much."

She pushed open the warehouse door once again, light flooding the room. For once, Sayu didn't feel mournful, leaving it behind.

"Thank you," Misa said quietly, as they stepped out into the sun. "Ever since Light... I've just felt so... alone."

Sayu hesitated, then reached for Misa's hand. "...Not alone, anymore."

Misa smiled for the first time in a long while, and kept her hold on Sayu's hand. "Let's go home."

As she walked down the street, letting Sayu lead her home, Misa couldn't help but feel something she hadn't felt since the day Light Yagami died: hope. Hope for a new life, a better future, hope for recovery and maybe even happiness again, someday. Not just for herself, but for Sayu, too.

She wasn't okay. Sayu wasn't okay. Maybe they wouldn't _ever_ be okay. But she wanted to try, and Sayu did, too, and maybe simply _wanting_ to try was the first step. It was a long road ahead, but Misa was willing to take it. If nothing else, she was in good company.

Against all odds, they had survived today. They could probably survive tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic! I'm quite fond of Misa, so I couldn't resist giving her a (slightly) happier ending than the one she got. And, of course, one for Sayu, too. I hope you leave some kudos or even some comments - it'd really make my day.


End file.
